So, I weigh 15 pounds less than I did 11 days ago. I wear a size smaller. And I still hate the way I look. It took me *forever* to get dressed this morning, and I put on a brave face, but I hate my outfit. I tried on a new dress (ended up buying it, too) that is super cute, but I still think I look incredibly fat in it. I am so tired of feeling this way. I want to love the way I look, dammit. You would think 15 pounds would make a difference. But it doesn't. To be totally honest, I don't notice any change at all. My just a bit too-tight to wear jeans now button comfortably and I can wear them all day without getting a stomach ache. But I don't *see* that. I just see how much more I have to lose.
Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be enough? If I will ever feel good about my body again? If 15 pounds makes no difference in the way I see myself, will 30? Will 50? If I get to goal, will I still spend hours in front of the mirror every day scrutinizing myself and the way I look? If I can get into a pair of 8 jeans, will I always wish I could wear a 6? I'm a psych major, for crying out loud, you'd think I could analyze this and figure it out, and move past it. But not so much.