Thursday, March 17, 2011

I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied....

So, I weigh 15 pounds less than I did 11 days ago.  I wear a size smaller.  And I still hate the way I look.  It took me *forever* to get dressed this morning, and I put on a brave face, but I hate my outfit.  I tried on a new dress (ended up buying it, too) that is super cute, but I still think I look incredibly fat in it.  I am so tired of feeling this way.  I want to love the way I look, dammit.  You would think 15 pounds would make a difference.  But it doesn't.  To be totally honest, I don't notice any change at all.  My just a bit too-tight to wear jeans now button comfortably and I can wear them all day without getting a stomach ache.  But I don't *see* that.  I just see how much more I have to lose.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be enough?  If I will ever feel good about my body again?  If 15 pounds makes no difference in the way I see myself, will 30?  Will 50?  If I get to goal, will I still spend hours in front of the mirror every day scrutinizing myself and the way I look?  If I can get into a pair of 8 jeans, will I always wish I could wear a 6?  I'm a psych major, for crying out loud, you'd think I could analyze this and figure it out, and move past it.  But not so much.

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