Monday, March 21, 2011

Still losing...

Today is day 17, or my 15th day of dieting.  I had a stall the last two days, stuck at a 16 pound loss, which was discouraging...

But I stuck it out, and today I am down another pound, so I have officially lost 17 in 15 days.  I was hoping to lose 25 by my 20th day, so I could be at my half-way to goal point at my half-way done with the diet point... but I think after two stalls in the first two weeks, that is not going to happen for me.  I am pretty sure I'll get to 20 pounds by the half-way point, though... that's only 3 more pounds in 5 days which is totally do-able.  Maybe even more.

I am also excited that one of my best friends is starting her diet today, too!  It's going to be great to have someone else doing it that I can call for support and encouragement!  We have a few friends who've been through this journey already, but it's great to have someone who is *actually* doing it at the same time to talk to!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I wonder if I'll ever be satisfied....

So, I weigh 15 pounds less than I did 11 days ago.  I wear a size smaller.  And I still hate the way I look.  It took me *forever* to get dressed this morning, and I put on a brave face, but I hate my outfit.  I tried on a new dress (ended up buying it, too) that is super cute, but I still think I look incredibly fat in it.  I am so tired of feeling this way.  I want to love the way I look, dammit.  You would think 15 pounds would make a difference.  But it doesn't.  To be totally honest, I don't notice any change at all.  My just a bit too-tight to wear jeans now button comfortably and I can wear them all day without getting a stomach ache.  But I don't *see* that.  I just see how much more I have to lose.

Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be enough?  If I will ever feel good about my body again?  If 15 pounds makes no difference in the way I see myself, will 30?  Will 50?  If I get to goal, will I still spend hours in front of the mirror every day scrutinizing myself and the way I look?  If I can get into a pair of 8 jeans, will I always wish I could wear a 6?  I'm a psych major, for crying out loud, you'd think I could analyze this and figure it out, and move past it.  But not so much.

Day 13

Today is my 11th day on the diet, 13th day of drops.

Still feeling amazing, and down 15 pounds total. I'm so excited to watch the pounds drop off the scale, and I can't wait to start seeing a difference when I look in the mirror

When you are as overweight as I am, 15 pounds isn't really noticeable. My clothes are fitting better, even the size that I couldn't comfortably wear before fit really well now, but when I look in the mirror I still see the fat. I can't wait until the day I wake up, look in the mirror and see something different!

I think its coming soon!
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Tuesday, March 15, 2011


I got a compliment on my weight loss today.  A good friend told me I looked great and had a glow... really made me feel good!!

Day 12

It's been a few days since I have blogged.  I'm not very good with follow through, so my goal of posting every day was probably a sign of my tendency to over reach.  But, I'm here now, so...

The last few days have been small drops in weight, and a stall yesterday.  I was stuck at 11 altogether, and feeling kinda depressed about it.  After all the will power it took to resist having a drink or eating something naughty on Friday at Bunco and Saturday when we went out for a friend's 40th, I was expecting my body to reward me for being so strong.  It didn't.  I was a little depressed about that, I'll be honest. 

But, I stuck to protocol and did some research on breaking a stall.  I had been eating the same two protein choices and same two veggie choices every day, so I decided to mix it up a bit and splurged on some *really expensive* halibut and some organic asparagus.  Yesterday I switched up the foods, stuck to protocol, drank 2 gallons of water (yes, you read that correctly, 2 full gallons), 2 cups of green tea, 2 cups of Yerba Mate tea and a cup of smooth move tea.  I also took what is called a "detox bath" which is simply hot hot hot water with some epsom salts and baking powder.  Not totally sure how that helps, but I did it.  I thought with all that effort, I would have a big loss today.

I didn't.

1 pound.  I know I should be excited, a pound is still a pound, I am down 12 pounds in 12 days, and that is great.  But I am so far from my goal.  It's no longer thinking about how long I have to go without coffee, alcohol, sugar and carbs because I am completely satisfied in my diet now - no hunger, no real cravings (except the psychological ones) and I feel great... but I am still thinking, even at a pound a day, I have 38 pounds to get to goal.  And that's my conservative goal.  I would really like to be at 120-125, but I have set my conservative goal at 135.  I figure that's more reasonable.   38 pounds still sounds like so much... granted, not as much as 50 did, but still... even at these pound a day average losses, it still seems overwhelming.  I'm hoping that now that my stall is broken I will see the 160's really soon.  I am 13 pounds from that, so it could take me up to 2 weeks.  And even then, I still will have 25 to go!  See, it seems really overwhelming!

But, it IS working, I DO feel great, and I AM happy about the losses... one day at a time!

Friday, March 11, 2011

No freaking way!!

Woke up this morning to another 1 pound loss.

10 pounds in 5 days. I am 1/5th of the way to my goal. In 5 days.


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Thursday, March 10, 2011

Another pound bites the dust....

After two days of 4 pound losses in a row, I have to admit that the 1 pound loss this morning was a little disheartening.  But, then I got some advice to think about the total and not the small step, and when I think about losing 9 pounds in 3 days, I am back to feeling really good about it.

I made great tasting food for my family the last couple of days... fish tacos, spaghetti with sage sausage sauce, waffles with strawberries and white chocolate cream, potstickers... the list goes on and on.  And, I have had no desire to eat it.  Does it smell good?  Absolutely.  Does my mouth want it?  Sure does.  But if I stop (for once in my life) and actually listen to my body and my stomach, I don't feel hungry.  I don't want to eat it.  I have even found myself craving fruits and veggies instead of sugars and carbs for the first time. 

I am excited to start seeing these pounds that are going away change my body and the way my clothes feel.  The headaches that I had occasionally the first few days are not totally gone.  I have tons of energy and feel happy and excited.

Sure, there is a big part of me (probably the psych student part) that believes in mind over matter and that part of my success here is psychosomatic.  Guess what, as all therapists will tell you, that's okay!  If the effect is positive for your life, it's not a bad thing to allow your mind to control your body.  And this is an excellent thing.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Before pics

So, I *hate* pictures, and these are awful! Hopefully by this time next month I'll have new, wonderful pics to post!
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Day 5

Today is day 5 on the HCG drops, day 3 of the VLCD part. 
Starting weight: 185 (after loading)
Current weight: 177

You read that correctly.  I lost 8 pounds in two days of dieting.  I haven't felt hungry at all, a few times I have *wanted* to eat, but never because I was hungry, only because I have an addiction to food.

I am coming to terms with that addiction.  I have relied upon food to comfort and cheer me when I am sad or depressed, I have used it to celebrate the best times and as a cultural tie to those around me.  Meeting for coffee, drinks, dinners... all my social interactions have revolved around food.  Pot lucks and dinner parties, birthday celebrations, and small get-togethers.  I have an unnatural obsession with food that had made me unhealthy and unhappy.

Even when I feel like food has made me happy, or allowed me to feel fun or celebratory, I know that in the end, that happiness is short lived and in the end, the result makes me feel sad and more depressed.  The truth is... I don't like being fat.

I want to be thin, and pretty, and enjoy my body.  I want to be healthy and find comfort and excitement in other things, not just in food.  I want to feel normal.  I'm ready.

And, I know this diet isn't really healthy.  There is a part of me that still questions the "science" behind it, and worries that it's not safe.  But, neither is being 50 pounds over weight.  And if taking 40 days to lose 40 pounds changes my attitude about food, my body and my motivations to be healthy, then I think it's worth the risk to be unhealthy for 40 days rather than 40 more years.

I'm ready for my life to be different.  And I know that I put a lot of emphasis on my weight, and I have always believed that if I was thin, life would be better.  I am more realistic now.  I know that being thin isn't going to solve all my problems.  It's not going to give me an education, or a better job, or enough money to make ends meet.  It's not going to change our lives or make things different.  So, I made changes to fix the problems I have in my life without focusing on weight.  I am almost done with my BA, and looking forward to getting a job or going to grad school.  The hubs is going back to school, and in two years, he'll be in a career that offers good money, decent hours, and room to move up and succeed.  The next two years are going to be hard, but I know that once they are over, our lives will be better.

I have lived my life in the world of instant gratification.  We never put the time or energy into our educations, and simply worked to make ends meet as much as possible.  I've dieted for a few days or a week, and when results didn't happen fast enough, I gave up.  Yes, this diet is falling into that pattern, and feeding that thought process as I lose a lot of weight fast, but in the end, I know that even once the weight is off, I will still have to work hard to keep it off and stay in shape.  But the motivation to stay thin has got to be easier than trying to get there.

I'm ready to live life to the fullest, to find joy and contentment in myself, and not just in food.  I'm ready to be the person I know I can be, and stop being the person I have allowed myself to become.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Day 2

So, I gained 5 pounds on the two loading days. Yuck! However, here I am on the morning of the second diet day, and I am down 4 of those already!

I have a little bit of a headache, and I *want* to eat... but I'm not truly hungry. I love food, so this is hard. I know I am a food addict, and its time to break this bad, bad habit and learn to "eat to live", not "live to eat".

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Monday, March 7, 2011

First VLCD meal!

1 cup organic romaine lettuce, 3 oz. Chicken with Mrs. Dash cooked on the George foreman grill, 3 organic strawberries and one melba toast! Plus, 1 liter of water!
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The start...

I want to get it out of the way early that I am *totally* against this HCG diet.  I have been telling people for months how it's completely unhealthy, that 500 calories a day aren't enough to keep cognitive brain function, etc. etc.  Ok, so, I am a hypocrite.  I still believe everything I have said, I just also believe that I need to drop these extra pounds immediately, so health is not my top priority anymore while doing it.

My mom, and the chiro she works for, are promoting this diet, and selling the drops.  I never thought my mom, of all people, would get behind something that seems so unhealthy and crazy, and I think the fact that she did helped me to push through all my hesitations and agree to do it.  That, and the 30 pounds in 30 days thing.  That's awesome.

So, I picked up the drops on Friday, I did my loading days Saturday and Sunday, and here it is - Monday, day 3, my first day on the VLCD, which stands for Very Low Calorie Diet.  I get black coffee or tea with stevia for breakfast, 3 oz. of chicken breast or steak with 1 cup of lettuce and an orange, apple or strawberries for lunch, and the same thing for dinner.  I can eat two Melba toasts a day.  That's it. 

The two loading days were awful.  There's nothing like being TOLD to eat a bunch of high-fat crap to make your stomach hurt.  I feel gross, and I am so excited to step on the scale next Monday and see 7 pounds or more dropped that quickly.  

Realistically, I have 50 to lose.  So I'd have to go through the reduce phase twice.  We'll see how it goes.