Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Day 5

Today is day 5 on the HCG drops, day 3 of the VLCD part. 
Starting weight: 185 (after loading)
Current weight: 177

You read that correctly.  I lost 8 pounds in two days of dieting.  I haven't felt hungry at all, a few times I have *wanted* to eat, but never because I was hungry, only because I have an addiction to food.

I am coming to terms with that addiction.  I have relied upon food to comfort and cheer me when I am sad or depressed, I have used it to celebrate the best times and as a cultural tie to those around me.  Meeting for coffee, drinks, dinners... all my social interactions have revolved around food.  Pot lucks and dinner parties, birthday celebrations, and small get-togethers.  I have an unnatural obsession with food that had made me unhealthy and unhappy.

Even when I feel like food has made me happy, or allowed me to feel fun or celebratory, I know that in the end, that happiness is short lived and in the end, the result makes me feel sad and more depressed.  The truth is... I don't like being fat.

I want to be thin, and pretty, and enjoy my body.  I want to be healthy and find comfort and excitement in other things, not just in food.  I want to feel normal.  I'm ready.

And, I know this diet isn't really healthy.  There is a part of me that still questions the "science" behind it, and worries that it's not safe.  But, neither is being 50 pounds over weight.  And if taking 40 days to lose 40 pounds changes my attitude about food, my body and my motivations to be healthy, then I think it's worth the risk to be unhealthy for 40 days rather than 40 more years.

I'm ready for my life to be different.  And I know that I put a lot of emphasis on my weight, and I have always believed that if I was thin, life would be better.  I am more realistic now.  I know that being thin isn't going to solve all my problems.  It's not going to give me an education, or a better job, or enough money to make ends meet.  It's not going to change our lives or make things different.  So, I made changes to fix the problems I have in my life without focusing on weight.  I am almost done with my BA, and looking forward to getting a job or going to grad school.  The hubs is going back to school, and in two years, he'll be in a career that offers good money, decent hours, and room to move up and succeed.  The next two years are going to be hard, but I know that once they are over, our lives will be better.

I have lived my life in the world of instant gratification.  We never put the time or energy into our educations, and simply worked to make ends meet as much as possible.  I've dieted for a few days or a week, and when results didn't happen fast enough, I gave up.  Yes, this diet is falling into that pattern, and feeding that thought process as I lose a lot of weight fast, but in the end, I know that even once the weight is off, I will still have to work hard to keep it off and stay in shape.  But the motivation to stay thin has got to be easier than trying to get there.

I'm ready to live life to the fullest, to find joy and contentment in myself, and not just in food.  I'm ready to be the person I know I can be, and stop being the person I have allowed myself to become.

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